About a week ago, Tio asked me if I wanted to go to Leon, the capital city of Asturias. I said "Sure." He was glad and told me he'd get two bus tickets and by the way the bus leaves at 7 am. I had no idea what I was in for.
So here it is today, I get up and come downstairs when Tio says "We'll make good time but you need to open your eyes." We walk to the bus station in the dark and when we get on I realize that I am the youngest one on the bus and up at this hour for that matter. Let's just say it's the over 60 crowd and they are surprised to see me as I them.
I ask Tio where he bought the tickets and he tells me the Senior Citizen club. Ah, the pieces fall into place. So we're off. I fall asleep to a song about chocolate and wake up to a song about mayonnaise and all the things you can put it on. First question I ponder when awaking, "Are there any anorexics in Spain?". Probably not because I can't imagine a Spaniard even fathoming the notion of willingly throwing up food. If anything you might even get slapped for it.
So we stop at a roadside cafe for a coffee break. Everyone has coffee and when the seniors get back on board the bus I feel like I'm on Spring Break. They're quite chipper with that coffee. It becomes the Senior Citizen Spring Break Bus. Just exchange beer and Beastie Boys for Coffee and Casio keyboard synthesized music about food.
We get to this restaurant/hotel and sit down again for coffee. There's a gigantic pot of it in front of everyone but no one's pouring. So I grab it, give some to Tio and ask the rest of the table if they want some. They all start putting their mugs in front of me and I feel like I just tapped a keg.
Good God what is the bus going to be like??
I won't find that out because after the coffee we get herded into this basement and sit down. A guy comes out in front of all of these signs and begins to speak about health issues. I'm about to get a lecture on Osteoperosis.
I have to bite down on my lip to stop my laughing cause at this point I realize I have taken on the Steve Guttenberg role in Cocoon. This guy starts quoting things out of magazine and I think, "Oh no." Then he pulls out this machine and tells the group that they could use it for 30 minutes a day, the length of one program, and get all the exercise they need. Oh Jesus.
I have to go to the bathroom which gives me a good excuse to get some air and get away from the show. I sit outside for a while and listen to this guy. I get pissed off at him and go in and stand next to the front of where he's speaking. The seniors have lined up to try out the machine and I tell the guy I want to try it too.
He doesn't like this and ignores me. This lady who just gets off it waves me to go up front so I throw my purse down and get on.
He begrudgingly starts it up and I laugh as it vibrates under my feet telling me how many calories I'm burning. Bullshit!
I start doing squats on it.
A couple of the ladies are laughing and when I get off one tells me I don't need it. Tio asks me what I thought and I say, I prefer walking. "Natural is better" he says. He follows it up with "I think this guy is unethical." Ya think?!?!
Then it's Tio's turn, he starts disputing the guy's claims about the electromagnetic stuff and they get into it. I smile and love it. The guy gets worked up a bit and starts to ignore Tio. Then as he realizes no one is biting, he does it. He throws out the cancer card.
My Spanish blood boils cause this scumbag is trying to take advantage of these seniors who don't need this stuff. As he winds up for the final pitch and talks about the cost, I walk out - cause if I don't I'm going to punch his face in.
I guess I made an impression because some of the seniors start asking me who I am, where I'm from, and if I have a boyfriend. One of them tells me Tio is buying something and I stomp in there to get him.
"Did you buy something?" I ask.
"Yes, the mattress pad." he says.
"How much?" I ask
"500 Euros." he says
"No! Tio, I don't like this guy. He's lying." I exclaim.
I'm looking through my dictionary frantically for words.
Tio loves that I'm getting all worked up over it and asks me why I think he's lying. I tell him that he talks about the benefits of water but they give everyone a lot of coffee. He talks about the benefits of walking and he makes everyone sit for two hours and finally when no one is interested in buying he says CANCER.
He's laughing and tells me he has 7 days to decide if he doesn't like it and if he doesn't he can return it. I tell him 7 days is not a lot of time. He disagrees with me and tells me he'll see how it works. I tell him if in 7 days he doesn't like it, I'm going to return it to this guy's big mouth. Tio claps, smiles and loves it.
So finally after lunch, we leave this scene for the actual tour portion of the trip. See some medieval churches which are cool. Then we see this modern church and the confession is open. I start taking pics of the open booth and consider going in to try out a Spanish confession. One of the seniors waves me off, and I think "Yeah, it would take way too long - we've only got an hour!"
We get back on the bus and start the trip back to Piedras. On the way home, they put in a DVD of this lady singing. Just think Lawrence Welk with a Mariachi band. As we pass one town, Tio tells me about a street fight he saw between Franco's police and the working people. He tells me he's really old cause it was when he was in his 20's. I tell him he looks like he's 70 and he thanks me.
"That's why I need the mattress pad." he says. I start to shake my head. "But I'm going to tell him I need 15 days to try it out because 7 is too short." he exclaims.
BOO YAH!
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